I’ve always had troubles with piano and school, but it wasn’t until 2023 that I felt like everything was falling apart. In the past year (2022), I already had a falling out with my best friend. We used to hang out all the time or call each other for homework or study sessions. However, we had a big conflict at the end of 2022, and we slowly stopped talking to each other. I knew the following year was going to be tough without her, but what I didn’t know was that she would quickly start to gather all the girls in the class to go against me. I didn’t know exactly what was going on, but I knew she must’ve spread false rumours about me because the girls would always gossip behind my back. As time passed, they all started to isolate me. Whenever I was with them, it felt like they hated my presence. I was often ignored and talked over even when I was with them. When I finally had the courage to talk, I had to pick my words very carefully to not hurt them or make them dislike me even more. I felt all sorts of anger and hatred for my old best friend, because I knew everyone only heard one side of the story. 

As the year went on, I grew further away from them and got used to attending classes and eating lunch on my own. But there were times when I couldn’t even find the will to get ready for school in the morning when I thought of them, especially my old best friend. Because in my heart I’ll always be the only one who knew she was a two-faced, back-stabbing, pretending to be nice in front of everyone type of girl. But I knew it wasn’t worth it to confront her and tell everyone the truth because I knew no one would be on my side. They already showed me their true personalities and I knew I wouldn’t want them to be my friends anyway. But even though I knew I made the right choice. Sometimes, after school, when I faced difficulties with my homework, I would feel particularly lonely. I would cry alone at night, soaking up my math textbooks with my tears because I knew I had no one to ask for help, rely on, or even talk to. But thankfully, there were a few other classmates who were nice enough to help me out with homework whenever I texted help. 

Anyway, fast forward to 2024 (my final year), I knew it was going to be tough year because I had to take my final exams in October to graduate. Moreover, it was also the year I had to record a video tape for my grade 8 piano exam. I was actually suppose to be finished recording the year before, but because I made so many mistakes each time, my teacher wouldn’t let me submit any of the takes. Thankfully, I managed to get a successful recording by March, but I was still feeling overwhelmed with all the stress from school. I started having problems focusing on my homework and would only complete it late at night or sometimes just fail to complete it. Whenever I had to study, it felt like I had to fight the monsters in my mind to focus and not get distracted. And often, I would lose. Consequently, I put off assignments until it was too late at night and didn’t get enough sleep. I started arriving late to classes and falling asleep in class. I would struggle to keep up with the workload, but I knew I had to maintain the straight-A grades 

I’ve always had, because I’ve always had them-ever since I was young. So it was an expectation I gave myself as a measure of my worth, because I couldn’t find anything else of worth in myself. And I managed to lie to myself for a while that I was okay, but I wasn’t. Being sleep deprived, spiritually deprived and mentally drained all the time was not okay. 

This continued until September of 2024 came, a month before the big exams started. The school gave us the option to prepare for the exams at home because we no longer had to attend classes. So, of course, I did. I mean, it was great. I no longer had to commute an hour each morning to school, and I no longer had to see those people or eat the awful school lunch. But that was also the time I have never felt more empty and out of control than before. I spent about 3 whole months (Sept.-Nov) living in isolation, free from people, locked in my room only to study. I cancelled all my piano classes and church activities for the month. I even had to skip the youth camp. Whenever I felt sad and checked Instagram, I would see all these videos of the camp saying, “Hey, have you registered yet?” or, “Come join us now! There are 30 more seats available” I would just burst out into tears. I felt like such a loser because everyone else seemed to be having the best time of their lives. And that made it even harder to concentrate on my studies. So not only was I sad and lonely, but I didn’t even know if I was going to pass my exams. To make matters worse, my next-door neighbour decided it was a good time to renovate their house. So for good 3 months non-stop, 6 days a week, 9 hours a day- there would be construction noises right next to my room. And that’s when I couldn’t take it anymore. 

From then on, I knew the only person I could trust and rely on was God. So, I cried out to God and prayed nearly the same prayer every day. It went like this: “God, I feel extremely lonely and frustrated. Please get me out of this situation as soon as possible. Please tell me that the right people are coming soon because I feel like a loser with no friends. Remove anyone who’s not meant to be in my life. And please help me pass my final exams, decide on a meaningful career path and choose the right college. Oh, and please fix my sleep schedule and make me a bit taller. Thank you. In Jesus name, Amen.” 

So, with hope in God, together with the strength He gave me each day, I slowly started to heal. Luckily, I knew I still had parents by my side and church members who were supporting me. And of course my best friend in church, Dorothy, who always listened to my troubles and acted as my therapist. I’d also like to thank the youth leaders- Ee Onn but also Phoebe and Katherine jie jie who always checked up on me. And also church leaders and workers like Aunty Serene who always prayed for me whenever I met her. 

Then in November 2024, I finished all my exams, graduated and left those people. 

Today, I am proud to say that I passed all my exams with grades that I’m proud of, graduated as the valedictorian of my class, and passed my grade 8 piano exam with a distinction. This year, I got accepted into the University of Nottingham to study Engineering and will be pursuing my diploma in piano. But I definitely couldn’t have done it without God, who has given me the strength to face each day. So if God can do wonders in my life, then so can He in yours. 

On a side note, if you’re wondering how I feel about my old friends now and if you’re thinking I’m still holding a lot of grudge. 3 days ago, I would’ve said yes. But then again it’s amazing how God works because just two days ago (March 15), I opened my bible app and the verse of the day was Luke 6: 36 (Be merciful, just as your father is merciful). And when I looked up what that verse meant, it told me to show someone undeserved forgiveness and compassion because that’s what mercy is…and it’s what Jesus had done for us. But I thought that was ridiculous and too difficult for me, so I ignored it. But just yesterday night (March 16), when Rev Philip asked us to pray for our friends who aren’t Christians yet, and to say their names out loud in the prayer, I started to prayed for a few of my nice classmates…but before I knew it, I was saying the names of all those bullies whom I once hated. I was praying that they would know God and see the wonders He can do in them just like how He did in mine. It was from then on that I knew I had completely forgiven them. And now, I’ve never felt more free from the hurt I once had. God told me yesterday night that He’s always our best role model. That’s true for me because forgiveness is definitely something I learnt from no one else but Him. 

This is the end of my testimony. Thank you everyone, and God bless you.